“Say hello to my little friend” Great Movie Quote. Terrible bedroom talk.
Me at work: If there’s an emergency, you can text me.
Next day: Allow me to define “emergency”.
You Might Also Like
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Whenever someone calls me ebullient, I have to stop and think if I’ve just been insulted.
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
My Bestie just got banned from Taco Bell. I cannot wait to hear this story. I have given table dances at Taco Bell and not got kicked out.
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
me: shit she knows
Never mind trying to scare me about going to hell religious people, it won’t work.
I was married for 6 years.
[At Mexican Restaurant]
Me:asks for food to be spicy hot
Waitress: how hot?
Waitress:my people hot or your people hot