He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
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i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god