@girlontapas

Me at work: If there’s an emergency, you can text me.

Next day: Allow me to define “emergency”.

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@fro_vo

i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one

ok wait i got 66 problems

@roxiqt

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

@copymama

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

@Audenary

(WW1 1915)
ENGLISH GENERAL: Plan?
ENGLISH LIEUTENANT: Well, the trenches can be used to-
ENGLISH MAJOR: to symbolise man’s emptiness, yes…

@heatherlou_

Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.

@daemonic3

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

@SoGoFu

Dryer settings:
– not the least bit dry
– shrunk to barely fit 12 yr old you

@Smug_Lemur

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

@LurkAtHomeMom

4: How do you spell no?

Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?

4: Batman?

(Spelling is hard)