@girlontapas

Me at work: If there’s an emergency, you can text me.

Next day: Allow me to define “emergency”.

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@CauseWereGuys

“Say hello to my little friend” Great Movie Quote. Terrible bedroom talk.

@VodkaShorebird

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

@zacharyflynn

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

@C_A_Guardiola

Whenever someone calls me ebullient, I have to stop and think if I’ve just been insulted.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Alcohol

“Umm ok, how about strengths?”

*pouring him a shot* Sharing

@DanMentos

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

@Faceyspace

My Bestie just got banned from Taco Bell. I cannot wait to hear this story. I have given table dances at Taco Bell and not got kicked out.

@dyldonot

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

@Douchekevin

Never mind trying to scare me about going to hell religious people, it won’t work.

I was married for 6 years.

@DvuslyMarvelous

[At Mexican Restaurant]
Me:asks for food to be spicy hot
Waitress: how hot?
Me:
Waitress:my people hot or your people hot