i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Me at work: If there’s an emergency, you can text me.
Next day: Allow me to define “emergency”.
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Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
ENGLISH GENERAL: Plan?
ENGLISH LIEUTENANT: Well, the trenches can be used to-
ENGLISH MAJOR: to symbolise man’s emptiness, yes…
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
– not the least bit dry
– shrunk to barely fit 12 yr old you
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
(Spelling is hard)