Me: [attempting to warm up my 12th plate of tacquitos today]

My microwave:

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Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.


I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.


OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.


Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.


Is it weird to think about naming my next cat Batman during sex?

Sir, I just serve coffee here. But no, it’s not weird. It’s fantastic!


At least once a day I say “nice to meet you” to someone I’ve already met which is a great feeling for all involved.


If God had a sense of humor, he would have asked Noah to bring a pair of termites on board.


Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.