Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
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Ovenable?
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
How do you like your Corgi?
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Very good! 👍😂
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you