Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
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Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.