Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
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I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.