ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
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How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
<—- homeless romantic
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.