ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

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[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.


when I said I was doing “the Lord’s work” I meant arbitrarily passing judgment on people.


Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.


I just saw three dudes wearing denim shirts with denim jeans. Who’s responsible for this shit? Canada? Was it you, Canada?


Me: You know that prank where you put dog poop in a bag and set the persons house on fire?

Her: You mean set the bag on fire




I thought I was losing weight but apparently I just forgot to tie my sweatpants.


I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.


I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.


[Hubs to my 6yo]

Hubs: So, your mother says sarcasm doesn’t work with children

6yo: You dont say!