I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money…uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
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People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
twitter is a journey
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when
[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Decided to stop partying at friends houses who have toddlers… Those childproof bathroom doorknobs are absolutely hell to open while drunk.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.