@ghinapalestina

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

You Might Also Like

@ParaJanitor

I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money…uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.

@osigat

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

@david8hughes

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

@LanieLalaBugs

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

@AnkCoupleTO

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

@thatcarlygirl

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

@VintageBabe1212

Decided to stop partying at friends houses who have toddlers… Those childproof bathroom doorknobs are absolutely hell to open while drunk.

@NeighborGrumpy

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

@IamEnidColeslaw

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.