Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
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A sick whale is called an unwhale
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.