@ChicksRule

Me: aww, cute dog! Can I pet him?

Friend: careful, he might hurt you

Dog: so, how’s your love life?

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@steveolivas

12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.

His protest was legendary.

@ch000ch

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

@ewfeez

*at snowman mortuary*
Ma’am was your husband’s wish to be liquified or broken into chunks and thrown at the people he hated?

@skittle624

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

@kimtopher22

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

@AdamOfEarth

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

@lasergirl70

My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”

Me: “You should wear them all the time.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “Exactly.”

@skitzoette

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.