[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
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[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.