Me: aww, cute dog! Can I pet him?

Friend: careful, he might hurt you

Dog: so, how’s your love life?

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12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.

His protest was legendary.


wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”


*at snowman mortuary*
Ma’am was your husband’s wish to be liquified or broken into chunks and thrown at the people he hated?


I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.


I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.


Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.


My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”

Me: “You should wear them all the time.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “Exactly.”


I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.