@NewDadNotes

Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?

Neighbor: Spartacus.

Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!

Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!

Neighbor:

Me: what’s your favorite number?

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@Dadpression

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

@Shen_the_Bird

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

@jwoodham

Don’t listen to people who tell you not to stay up late. They’re just trying to trick you into being a well-rested person who isn’t anxious.

@skedaddle74

Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise

@murrman5

well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”

@Audenary

Vicar: The bride and groom have written their own vows.

*Everyone lets out a huge groan as Tolstoy reaches into his suit pocket*

@ThisLocalHater

I would compare twitter to high school but I don’t remember high school being this stupid