The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Me: what’s your favorite number?
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date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Don’t listen to people who tell you not to stay up late. They’re just trying to trick you into being a well-rested person who isn’t anxious.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Vicar: The bride and groom have written their own vows.
*Everyone lets out a huge groan as Tolstoy reaches into his suit pocket*
I would compare twitter to high school but I don’t remember high school being this stupid