Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
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There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
The pen is writier than the sword.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”