WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
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He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile