[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

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Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”


That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.


ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.


I’ll tell you what’s wrong with modern society. Nobody ever drinks out of the skulls of their enemies anymore.


Many people are predicting a baby boom nine months from now, but I’m predicting a boom of really shitty screenplays.


My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.


The 1st to apologize is the bravest. The 1st to forgive, the strongest. The 1st to forget, the happiest.nnThe first to kill the other, WINS.


Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.


Werewolf’s wife: IDGAF! It’s a full moon tonight and I will not have you shedding all over! Outside, now!