Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
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My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Velcrow
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
and now we wait
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy