me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
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Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors