me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
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Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Me, flirting😏
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.