Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
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If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Meow
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Is anyone gonna tell them?
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more