Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
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If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion