Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
You Might Also Like
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”