me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

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Interviewer: how did you write that song?

Singer: well, I had an epiphany…

Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?


EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?


You can tell a lot by the way a woman walks. Like if she walks away, she’s probably not into you.


Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill


Me: [opens front facing camera at a funeral and starts crying]

“he must’ve meant a lot to her.”


“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”



Asked my Ouija board if I was getting laid tonight & the pointer keeps gliding back & forth between the H & the A.

It’s been over an hour.


Apparently telling the principal that “it’s not cheating, it’s cooperative learning” was the wrong thing to say.


There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends


I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.