me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
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[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.