I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
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CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
<—- homeless romantic
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?