Abe Lincoln: write this down
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
ME: Babe, it’s Christmas *gets on one knee*
ME: And I have just one question *gets in fetal position*
ME: Can we leave this family party. Your dad keeps wanting to arm wrestle me
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You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Abraham: look here son, i got windows 98! Isaac: but dad, we don’t have enough memory? Abraham:Have faith, God will provide the RAM.