ME: Babe, it’s Christmas *gets on one knee*


ME: And I have just one question *gets in fetal position*

GF: Uh

ME: Can we leave this family party. Your dad keeps wanting to arm wrestle me

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Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down


My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.


Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.


Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…


Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)


Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans


I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.


ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470

SON: So cats don’t have much taste

CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious


Abraham: look here son, i got windows 98! Isaac: but dad, we don’t have enough memory? Abraham:Have faith, God will provide the RAM.