me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
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{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
This January has 47 Mondays
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!