@treadmilld

Me: Babe will you love me when I’m old & fat.

Wife: I sure do.

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@Bevels333

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

@Maxine12333

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

@Ygrene

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

@WilliamAder

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

@krisv_723

*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

@geekysteven

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

@tiemoose

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

@Cheeseboy22

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.