Me: Babe will you love me when I’m old & fat.

Wife: I sure do.

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Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.


You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.


[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*


They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.


4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.


*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.


We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.


[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin


Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.