@treadmilld
@tequilasaltlife
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
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@tequilasaltlife
@Bevels333
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
@Maxine12333
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
@Ygrene
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
@WilliamAder
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
@XplodingUnicorn
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
@krisv_723
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
@geekysteven
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
@tiemoose
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
@Cheeseboy22
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.