Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
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My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….