Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
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Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?