ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
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Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.