I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
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It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out