me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
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Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
It’s a gift
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Cheer up.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.