Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
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[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
worst…sale…ever
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.