Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
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If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Nothing to do, you say?
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
This has made my week.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Uh oh…
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Nice try, NASA