@chuuew

ME: [backing into driveway]

WIFE: Where’s the car?

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@PJTLynch

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

@Cpin42

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

@givemymeds

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

@Playing_Dad

As we develop robots, we should make them out of pretzels or cotton candy that way if they become self aware we could just eat them

@BoogTweets

Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.

@ryaninco

I think I put the roofie in the wrong driiiiiiiiiiiiiii

@13spencer

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

@megankcomedy

I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don’t even have to ask how I’m doing

@Darlainky

Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.