Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
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COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
As we develop robots, we should make them out of pretzels or cotton candy that way if they become self aware we could just eat them
Judas: How long are your arms?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I think I put the roofie in the wrong driiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
All excellent questions
I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don’t even have to ask how I’m doing
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.