ME: [backing into driveway]

WIFE: Where’s the car?

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Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves


COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad


This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.


As we develop robots, we should make them out of pretzels or cotton candy that way if they become self aware we could just eat them


Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.


I think I put the roofie in the wrong driiiiiiiiiiiiiii


I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.


I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don’t even have to ask how I’m doing


Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.