ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
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Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕