I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
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My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you鈥檙e being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there鈥檚 a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that鈥檚 how they fuel their spaceships?
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I鈥檓 grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
You鈥檇 be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 馃檨
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It鈥檚 true, I saw it with my own eyes.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That鈥檚 not true
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Shower sex be like:
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin: