I was called a faggot by an angry homeless woman last night. I would’ve been offended but I was too busy living in a home.
ME: bae, you wanna go out?
HER: hell yeah 😊
ME: ok pliz close the door on your way out I need to play FIFA alone.
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cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
SOMEONE LEFT THEIR DOGS IN THE CAR WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP
-Ma’am, that’s a pack of Ballpark All-Beef Franks.
ITS 500 DEGREES IN THERE
Bee Gees Songs:
Saturday Night Fever
Sunday Night Scurvy
Monday Night Measles
Tuesday Night Typhoid
Wednesday Night Whooping Cough
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
it’s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager
If you don’t mind..
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word