@TalibJim

ME: bae, you wanna go out?

HER: hell yeah 😊

ME: ok pliz close the door on your way out I need to play FIFA alone.

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@solomongeorgio

I was called a faggot by an angry homeless woman last night. I would’ve been offended but I was too busy living in a home.

@LitSpud

cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them

@QwertyJones3

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

@Dana_MuChick

True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia

@radtoria

SOMEONE LEFT THEIR DOGS IN THE CAR WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP
-Ma’am, that’s a pack of Ballpark All-Beef Franks.
ITS 500 DEGREES IN THERE

@trentistweeting

Bee Gees Songs:
Saturday Night Fever
Sunday Night Scurvy
Monday Night Measles
Tuesday Night Typhoid
Wednesday Night Whooping Cough

@bugbucket

it’s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager

@philmann

PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom