date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
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5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.