escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
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Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.