me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
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motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday