me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
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The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.