ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
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I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
i think both sides are to blame here
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*