Ostriches would be scary as hell if they could fly or if they had arms, but they can’t and they don’t, so here we are. Stupid land birds.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
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Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Proud of myself. I only ate 1 brownie today.
I mean, it was cut up into 8 very large pieces and took up the whole pan but yeah, 1 brownie.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
“Sooth. Sooth! SOOOTH!!!” –soothsayers
14: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about.’
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
GF: there’s somebody in the kitchen!
ME: *already unsheathing my blade* that’s where the food is