@TheCatWhisprer

ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]

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@jwoodham

Ostriches would be scary as hell if they could fly or if they had arms, but they can’t and they don’t, so here we are. Stupid land birds.

@SmithWit

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

@wickedsuga

Proud of myself. I only ate 1 brownie today.

I mean, it was cut up into 8 very large pieces and took up the whole pan but yeah, 1 brownie.

@junejuly12

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

@barfolishus

My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said “ugh” and I’ve never agreed with him more

@BoogTweets

More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon

@better_off_dad2

14: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about.’

@FeelingFisky

do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success

@yerpalmildsauce

*noise*
GF: there’s somebody in the kitchen!
ME: *already unsheathing my blade* that’s where the food is