Me: Be back after lunch!

Boss: OK

Me: *texts boss APRIL FOOLS LOL*

*goes home, turns on baseball*

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Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away


Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.


me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup ūüôā
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you


‚ÄúThis syrup tastes funny…‚ÄĚ

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes


Telling everyone ‚Äúgreat costume‚ÄĚ whether or not they‚Äôre wearing one.


I was completely offended, but then you said “no offense,” so now everything’s cool.


JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor


Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you


Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.