Traveler’s camo
You Might Also Like
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell