Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
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My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”