Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

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If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.


Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.


Officer: You drinking?
Me: You buying?

Oh how we laughed and laughed….

PS: I need bail money.


ME: my stomach hurts

STOMACH: you ate too much

ME: maybe I need something to settle it down


ME: but what?

STOMACH: nothing

ME: maybe something carbonated

STOMACH: pepto bismol

ME: yes a beer


Fun game:

Select all of your Snapchat contacts and send them a text that says…

“Wow…Are you sure that was for me?”

And wait.


I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.


If you’ve been kind to nature, birds will rescue you through your sunroof in a traffic jam and fly you to their kingdom


(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?