Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
You Might Also Like
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Officer: You drinking?
Me: You buying?
Oh how we laughed and laughed….
PS: I need bail money.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
ME: but what?
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Select all of your Snapchat contacts and send them a text that says…
“Wow…Are you sure that was for me?”
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
If you’ve been kind to nature, birds will rescue you through your sunroof in a traffic jam and fly you to their kingdom
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I don’t trust anyone with a beard, especially a woman