me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
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I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.