Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
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[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk