me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
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Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Reporter: *ports again*
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags