Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
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Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Kid: What’s a man?
Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally , cares about you and protects you.
Kid: When i grow up, I’ll be a man like mom
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.