me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

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Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?


Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?


First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.


Kid: What’s a man?

Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally , cares about you and protects you.

Kid: When i grow up, I’ll be a man like mom


Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.


YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u


Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.


Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.