ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
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Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Awwwww shit.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves