Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
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On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
The news is so predictable nowadays
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.