Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

They’re not wrong

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

December birthdays be like…

Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.

MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?

WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats

ME: *barely audible* orca-strated

HER: Get out!

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”