me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
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He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
translated into Canadian