Happy birthday to all the women
ME: Being a scientist is just asking questions. So, in a way, we’re all scientists.
ACTUAL SCIENTIST: No. Becoming a scientist requires years of-
ME: Looking up at the stars in wonderment. I hear you, respected peer.
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Walking into a giant spiderweb is natures way of telling you to never leave the house.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
My daughter said she needs a bag of Skittles for a class project. Starting to get suspicious.
Hunger Games Synopsis
Katniss: I’m in over my head, the govt wants me dead, I’m scared
Both Male Leads: Ok but do you LIKE like me
Person who doesn’t know I’m on twitter: Have you see
[airport security pulls Robocop aside]
I AM A POLICE OFFIC-
-Murphy eh. Looks nothin like u.
THAT WAS BEFORE I GOT SH-
-Save it pal
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was