@thenatewolf

ME: Being a scientist is just asking questions. So, in a way, we’re all scientists.

ACTUAL SCIENTIST: No. Becoming a scientist requires years of-

ME: Looking up at the stars in wonderment. I hear you, respected peer.

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@SentenceReduced

Walking into a giant spiderweb is natures way of telling you to never leave the house.

@Supafunkadunka

My daughter said she needs a bag of Skittles for a class project. Starting to get suspicious.

@

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@meatgrindr

Hunger Games Synopsis
Katniss: I’m in over my head, the govt wants me dead, I’m scared
Both Male Leads: Ok but do you LIKE like me

@sarcasm_inc

[airport security pulls Robocop aside]
-Got ID?
I AM A POLICE OFFIC-
-Murphy eh. Looks nothin like u.
THAT WAS BEFORE I GOT SH-
-Save it pal

@mattytalks

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

@BoogTweets

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was