Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
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The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far