Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
ME: Being a scientist is just asking questions. So, in a way, we’re all scientists.
ACTUAL SCIENTIST: No. Becoming a scientist requires years of-
ME: Looking up at the stars in wonderment. I hear you, respected peer.
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If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
I’m in glove with you.
If anyone sees that woman drying her bra by holding it out of the car window please tell her I love her
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
So far today I’ve watched cartoons, had a nap, drank chocolate milk and ate cereal for lunch. I’m basically a toddler.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”